my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
