If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
