I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
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