Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Randomize
