I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
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