So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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