Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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