The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
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