Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
