If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Randomize
