Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Randomize
