just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
