I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
