She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I'm bleeding and have questions
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
