Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
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