Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
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