I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
