Your mouth is God's brothel.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
