Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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