When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
