Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I booty called her while she was in labor.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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