We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
