I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I need to calm my uterus...
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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