so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
