I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Randomize
