ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
