he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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