I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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