franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
