also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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