I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
