I think I died a long time ago.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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