3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
