Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
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