My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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