i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
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