I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
