my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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