I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
