I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
