put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
