there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
