my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I think I am morally bankrupt
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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