this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
