saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
time to smoke my breakfast
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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