I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
