just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Lets evaluate? U kissed one boss and lef twith another man. I cock teased the other, hardcore had a tongue jammed down my throat, made out w aa third then left in a cab w alex w them all yelling at me and offering rides. My cheek was also licked and bitten by 2 other men and we almost made out (u and me) because they asked. were hired.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
