i just had sex bonerless
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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