Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
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