i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
