I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
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