I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
