Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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