before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
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